October 11, 2012
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Something I have noticed, and I am not sure how to address, is the discomfort of others when I excitedly answer their questions, “What kind of training class are you attending?” or “What ‘conference’ are you attending?” Because I am so elated and enjoying what I am learning in an intellectual sense, digging into a subject I am passionate about, I always answer back enthusiastically, “Rape crisis counseling!” or “Sexual violence conference!” Yeah, it goes over like a lead balloon. It happened to me this past weekend and I fervently wished I had been more clever with my answer.
What to do… I do not wish to avoid answering a direct question. I don’t want to lie because why would I? I naturally assume the questioner is genuinely interested in me and in my answer. But I have noticed the chilling effect it has on casual conversation and the awkward silence or looks of discomfort once I’ve told them. Some actually apologize to me for making me answer or admonish themselves for prying. And then, I wind up comforting them and reassuring them keenly aware they no longer see me as lighthearted, comedian Keri. This has to stop for all involved. I am all ears for your suggestions.
Speaking of training, I am closing in on the end of it. I still feel like I should take an entire weekend and just read though my binder of training materials. I can’t help but feel that in some way, I am charging headlong into a buzzsaw. Some of the training that first night disturbed me so much that I came home, locked my doors and windows, and then barricaded myself in my bedroom by jamming the ironing board against the door and between my desk. I suspect there will be more nights like that. And I know that sounds heavy, but I have to let my brain work through some of the fear however it chooses. Good things are hard sometimes. In fact, everything I have ever really wanted always has been that way. So, if I have to design a Rube Goldberg contraption every once in awhile so that I can sleep, so be it.